Finding joy through loss.

Today, I have felt an overwhelming peace. I have felt a comfort I didn't feel while first dealing with the possibility of this loss. There are times, and will probably always be times I will wonder what this baby would have been like, what this pregnancy would have become, what joy this birth would have brought to our home. I miss this baby, this pregnancy. I miss everything about it. I planned to share this journey with so many other women and I loved that. It is hard to think about when I would have been due. It's hard to think that day will come. It's hard to think that I will witness so many other mamas due with their babies around the same time I would have been. I am so incredibly happy for them, but it is so hard to think about. 

I feel fine until I hit an emotional realization wall, and break down. I feel fine until I have cramps and pain from no longer carrying my baby. If anything has surprised me the most, it is the physical pain I feel. I don't think I ever give myself enough credit or time to heal. I stay busy, stay distracted. I cope. I still feel joy even if I don't feel happy. I can find joy in this. There will be many years of unanswered questions until I meet my baby in heaven. BUT, I can live with joy knowing my baby is in heaven. 

For now, I grieve. I live. I learn how to carry this with me. If we are here for anything, it is to be a testament to Jesus. What precious price He paid for us. A son, He died, for me. He died so that we can live again. What a selfless, precious price. 

When your life feels hard, when you face struggles and trials, be grateful anyway. When you don't feel blessed, when you don't see the blessing, be aware anyway, you are being blessed. When you take the moments and people in your life for granted, even if you don't mean to, be thankful for the gift they are, they may not always be there. When you do face reflection, open up your heart to what The Lord may be teaching you, you will grow and you will find His purpose. You will find rest for your soul.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:28-30